From the studio that Marvel that lets play with their toys
comes the Spider-Man villan that everyone wanted to see on screen
But this time, they can't even afford to put Spider-Man in it.
Get ready for a gnarly,
sick, tight movie you'll love.
As long as long as you're the kind of person
who says gnarly, sick, and tight.
As the genre runs out of Silver Age heroes to adapt
and enters the extreme 90s era of leather jackets and attitude.
For a film that would have been so much better if it were rated R *crunch*
But it made almost a billion dollars, so sh*t what do we know
Witness Tom Hardy doing just the most with a roll of Eddie Brock
as he plays the investigative reporter like a crackhead squirrel
You'll be captivated by his New York accent?
"I have spent a significant amount of time with one of these creatures up my a*s"
His ever-changing man bracelets.
And so many weird little noises, you'll wonder if they've been covering his mouth for a reason.
*weird mouth noises*
Watch everything change when he's infected by an evil splooge from outer space
who goes by Venom. A member of a parasitic race that's gonna conquer Earth.
Unless humanity can somehow get its hands on a halfway decent sound system.
*screeches and yelling*
Together, they'll chomp their way through good and bad guys alike
prompting audiences everywhere to wonder, does Eddie Brock know what human flesh tastes like?
Is he technically a cannibal?
When Venom bites off a head, does Eddie have to crap out the skull later?
Where these all of Tom's favorite parts that got cut out?
Enjoy a film of charm and action, then stop enjoying it while they bore you to death with science talk
"We're collecting this data as quickly as possible"
"One of the organisms got out of containment"
Lots and lots of science talk
"You discovered a gene therapy that literally doubles the life expectancy of pancreatic cancer."
"But why are all these hosts showing this hyper acute rejection?"
"Metabolic abnormalities that are making it hard for your body to maintain homeostasis"
"Are you seeing this? He's achived symbiosis"
Protein running Diagnostics even fully automated you can't pilot that craft all alone
Directing the boredom is the not so secretly evil Carlton Drake
A man who wants to destroy humanity in order to save it
"We brought the planet to the brink of extinction"
A plan shared by this film's villain
Infinity War's, Mission Impossible Fallout's, and The Predator's. And that's just in 2018.
Thrill as Drake assumes his final form,
Then tried to cheer on the hero as the action concludes with two syrupy blotches wrestling each other like a win amp visualizer with teeth
It really whips the llama's a*s
But Venom's not just an action movie.
It's also a love story.
As Eddie is torn between his love of Michelle Williams terrible wig
"Hey I'm sorry about Venom"
and the special guy inside of him who's ready to make the leap from I to we
"We... are Venom."
And no, it's not weird that I shipped Simbrock (symbiode and Brock)! The movie made a quarter billion in China. And this is how they advertised it
Look, ever since Tumblr... changed, this is all I got left. Let me have this one
Epic voice-y likey
So enjoy a comic book film that isn't bogged down by twenty other episodes like the MCU
or the grandiose pretensions of the DC Universe
"This is amazing"
Cuz sometimes it's fun to watch a movie that's just a movie
Even though it did so well, Sony will probably use it to kick start an entire cinematic gooniverse.
Hard pass, Sony. Hard pass. Unless you get flubber.
"Going down the street like a turd in the wind."
If your turds are thin or light enough to roll in the wind, please call your gastroenterologist