My name is Buffy the Blow Fish.

I do not appreciate foul language or pictures of rude things at all.

Please, if you are easily offended by rude things, do not watch this video.

Turn it off now.

Now.

Turn it off.

Don't look at it.

You don't want to learn bad words.

I don't want to hear your comments about, "That was rude.

I didn't like that when Ronnie said bad words."

Turn it off!

Hi, there.

This is my friend Bobby the Blow Fish.

Maybe his name is not Bobby.

I don't remember.

What I will tell you, Bobby cannot tolerate obscenities, naughty words, and bad words.

So Bobby, you can just go and fuck off right now.

Okay, so today we're talking about sex.

Who likes the sex?

In English, we have a lot of different words for "sex".

The doctor word, or the word that my mother first taught me is "intercourse".

If you ever have to go to the doctor -- maybe you are worried that you're pregnant, or you're

happy that you're pregnant, or you're doing tests -- the doctor or the nurse will say,

"Now, when was the last time you had intercourse?"

What they mean is, "When's the last time you fucked?"

They want to know the exact time.

Why do they want to know?

Do they want to take videos of it?

That's weird.

So we have verbs in English.

Don't get me wrong.

You're learning vocabulary.

You're also going to learn grammar.

Sex with Ronnie.

That's me.

This is your lesson.

"Fuck", "screw", "ram", "pork", "bang" -- all of these words mean "sex".

These are verbs.

You can use them -- the past or the present.

So, "I fucked last night."

"I screwed last weekend."

"I rammed yesterday."

"Pork."

I know you think it's a food.

Guess what?

It means "sex".

And "bang", one of my favorites.

Also, "nail".

Not this nail, this "nail".

We also have "stick it in".

All of these words -- verbs for "sex", "intercourse."

What I've done -- because I'm really, really nice -- is I've broken it down into three

different categories: oral sex -- What does "oral" mean?

"Oral" means you use your mouth.

Anal sex -- "anal" means you use your anus.

Now, you're confused.

"What is an 'anus', Ronnie?"

I tried to draw a picture of a bum, an anus.

It didn't work.

It looks more like a cock.

So "anal" is the part of your rear end where your poo comes out.

So people like to put things in their anus.

This is called "anal sex".

And then, we have -- for all the lonely people -- masturbation.

"Masturbation" means you don't have a partner; you're doing it yourself.

Let's go through these first.

"Jerk off", "wank", "have a wank", "wanking", "beat off", "jack off" -- I remember a long

time ago, there was a really kind of terrible pop punk band called Blink 182.

And they came up with a really good album title.

It said, "Take Off Your Pants and Jacket".

So funny!

But you may be, like, "pick up your pants and jacket" -- that's funny.

Pants and jacket."

No, no, no.

Guess what?

Hello, people.

This means, "take off your pants and have a wank".

Now that album's funny.

"Stroke".

"Stroke" is the movement of -- moving.

"Rub one out."

You'll hear these in movies all the time.

"I'm going to rub one out."

"Rub one out?"

So you think maybe, maybe, maybe they're thinking innocently about a blackboard eraser?

They're going to erase something?

No, no, no, no, no.

They're going to masturbate, okay?

They're going to take their penis, stroke it, rub it -- "rub-a-dub, man!"

For the ladies -- "Ladies masturbate?

What?"

Hell, yeah!

We say "flick the bean".

We are living in a society where unfortunately, men make up a lot of the slang.

So I struggled to find words for female masturbation.

Ladies, I apologize.

If you have a favorite term for masturbation, please let me know.

I'm very interested in how you say "masturbation" for women.

Leave it in the comment section, please.

If you're successful in your masturbation, the very, very first step that you need is

you need to achieve a "hard on", a "boner", or a "stiffy".

This means your cock is hard and ready for action like this guy here.

We also have this gentleman over here.

He has a boner.

She is ready for action.

Now what might happen, ladies and gentlemen, is if you jerk off, wank off, beat off, jack

off, stroke, rub one out, or flick the bean a lot -- but not too much -- some liquid might

come out.

This is called "jizz".

Jizz.

"Cum".

"Cum" is probably the most regular or normal word that we use for "cum".

So it's hilarious when you see posters on the subway that say, "Come on the TTC."

What?

"When did you come to my house?"

"When did you come on the train?"

"I didn't cum on the train."

"Cum" means "jizz".

"Splooge", "jism" -- these words mean the liquid, the semen -- doctor word -- for what

comes out of the penis.

The proper word is "semen", which is funny because it's like they're swimming -- never

mind.

All right.

Next, we have the good old anal sex.

Good old anal sex.

I've told you that anal sex means you put something in your anus.

Very important word to learn as well when you're learning words, "anus".

"Ass fuck" is a word that we would use for "anal sex".

"Rim job" -- now "rim job" is not actually sticking something in your anus.

"Rim job" is different.

"Rim job" is when you use your tongue, and you lick the anus.

So you're actually licking someone's butt hole.

Apparently, this is wonderful.

If you read magazines, even regular, innocent magazines -- we have a magazine in Toronto

called Now Magazine.

And in the back, they have pictures of beautiful ladies ready to give you a "massage".

They will tell you that at their massage parlor, "greek" is okay.

That doesn't mean that if you're Greek, you can come here.

Anyone can cum there [laughs] if you pay them enough money.

"Greek" is secret code word slang for "anal sex".

So "greek" means "anal sex".

Oh, good old felching.

What does it mean?

This is the noise.

[Clicks tongue] But what does it mean?

Felching is a curious thing.

It's a verb.

Felching means that one person will jizz, jism, cum, or splooge into another person's

anus.

That's -- yeah, okay.

That's cool.

That's normal.

But what happens with the felching is that another person -- maybe this gentleman here

or lady -- will then lick the jizz, the cum, or the splooge out of the anus.

So [clicks tongue] this noise is licking of the cum out of the anus.

I've heard that in some countries -- Australia -- they use a straw.

So the next time you go to Burger King or a fast food restaurant, grab a straw.

See if people look at you and go, "[gasp] Felcher!

What are you -- are you felching with that straw?"

"No, it's for my cola!"

"Sure it is.

Mm-hmm."

Felching.

You need a hard on if you're going to felch after.

Going back to the beginning, we have "oral sex".

Now, I told you "oral sex", you use your mouth and your tongue or, you know, your cheek -- whatever

you want.

We have a lot of words for the male oral sex.

"BJ or blow job".

Who's drawn this?

This is a picture of a blowjob.

Now, the very funny thing is that a lot of people's names are -- you guessed it -- BJ.

And you will see stores that have "BJ's Wholesale" or "BJ's Fine Foods".

Dying.

So if I'm innocently walking down the street, and it says, "Welcome to BJ's wholesale" -- [laughs]

that means "blow job"!

That's hilarious.

"Come on in to BJ's."

"Hand job" -- now, "hand job" is not oral sex.

Guess what.

It's using your hand.

It's similar to a blowjob except there's no mouth involved.

You're just stroking with your hand.

This hand job is done by a different person.

If you are doing to yourself, you are having a wank.

If someone else is doing -- if someone is nice enough to do it to you, you're actually

having a "hand job".

All right, and the next one is a "pearl necklace".

Ladies, do you like pearl necklaces?

Do you think they're beautiful?

Would you be so happy if your husband or you boyfriend or your lover gave you a pearl necklace

for your birthday?

Guess what?

What you think about as a pearl necklace and what Ronnie thinks about a pearl necklace

-- you'd be misguided, ladies.

A "pearl necklace" is when a man is nice enough to cum on your neck.

Cum is white, and if he's talented enough, he can put beads of cum along your neck.

It -- maybe -- looks like a pearl necklace.

It is hilarious if I go somewhere, and ladies are shopping for a pearl necklace, so they

say, "Would you like to look at my pearl necklaces?

This one is beautiful.

It's only $500."

Meanwhile, I'm dying in the corner because they're talking about jizz on your neck!

What's happening?

My mother loves pearl necklaces.

I bought my mother a pearl necklace for her birthday.

I bought it at the store.

But I'm sure that ladies would love a pearl necklace.

Maybe the real kind.

Maybe not the really kind.

Guys love giving ladies a pearl necklace for their birthday.

Gentlemen, do your wife -- "Do your wife?

What?

Ronnie!

Do you know that 'doing' your wife means 'having sex' with your wife?"

You can "do" something.

"Do the dog."

What?

"Do the dog" is a dance by a band called The Specials.

If you "do" something, it means you have sex with it.

So you "did" the mailman.

That's means you had sex with the mailman.

Mailman, you might want to give that lovely lady a pearl necklace in your next delivery.

Next word meaning oral sex is a "hummer".

Isn't that funny because "hummer" is the name of a car or a big, huge, massive vehicle that

they use in the army?

So it's funny when you're walking down the street, and people are like, "Look!

It's a Hummer!"

"What?

Someone's giving someone a blowjob on the street?

What's happened to this society?"

Hummer -- blow job.

The reason why it's a "hummer" [hums] is because whoever's giving the hummer, they like to

sing.

So you can sing opera if you'd like while giving some oral sex.

"Head", "head".

I think maybe I have said "head" in lessons before.

And I kind of giggle, "[laughs] I said 'head'."

"Why does Ronnie giggle when she says 'head'?

That's very strange.

Why does Ronnie always say about the 'other head' or 'two heads'?

What's wrong with Ronnie?"

Well, guess what?

I laugh because "head" means "blow job".

"Head" means oral sex.

So if someone says, "I'd like to give you head."

"What?

I have a head already, thank you."

You say, "Thank you."

"Head" means "blow job".

All of these words have not included the female yet.

Ladies, gentlemen, this is for you.

When we talk about female oral sex, it has a lot to do with eating.

We say "eat out".

So sometimes when I'm teaching, my textbook says, "Please ask a student when was the last

time you ate out."

I can't do it.

I'm like, "Did you go to a restaurant?"

Because "eat out" or "ate out" in the past tense means "female oral sex".

Females, we have a vagina -- or also known as a "pussy" or "beaver".

If you're unsure about the slang body parts in English, please, please, please, www.engvid.com,

type in "slang body parts".

You'll learn all these crazy words like "pussy".

"Eat out" means "eat pussy" or "lick pussy" or "eat a vagina".

You're not actually consuming -- please don't swallow the vagina.

You would have no vagina left.

It means you're licking with your tongue.

Okay?

Eating -- it's more like a munching, okay?

So when people say, "I'm going to eat out."

"Why are you telling me that?

That's disgusting.

I don't need to know that at lunchtime, you're going to eat out.

Oh, you mean in a restaurant.

Yeah!

Good, good, good, good.

Have a good meal, okay?"

"Eat out" means "female oral sex".

"Eat pussy" -- same.

"Lick pussy" -- same.

"Muff" -- okay.

What is a "muff"?

You think maybe it's a muffin?

What's this?

"Muff" represents -- if they have it -- the women's pubic hair.

So what happens is we have a "muff diver".

Why are people diving?

"Diver" represents or means that someone is going down.

They're diving into the muff.

Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum!

So "muff dive" is a verb.

If you meant to talk about a noun, it would be a "muff diver".

I have seen T-shirts that say, "I'm a muff diver."

[Laughs] I bet you maybe a couple of you have seen that T-shirt or even bought the T-shirt

and thought, "That's a cool T-shirt.

I'm going to wear that."

Guess what?

It means that you have oral sex with females.

Recently in the news, there was a man; he said that he got mouth cancer because he liked

pussy.

I think he's a liar.

The proper word for female oral sex is "cunnilingus, cunnilingus".

It sounds dirty.

Ew.

"Munch the carpet".

Again, we get the analogy of the hair, the furry bits.

"Munch" means "eat".

For some reason, when we talk about oral sex with women, it has a lot to do with eating

or licking.

Maybe because men are always hungry.

I don't know.

"I'm hungry."

"Well here, just munch my carpet, buddy.

It'll be nice."

Okay?

One thing that we have to be very, very careful about is that you use proper grammar.

After all, I am a grammar teacher.

So what I'm going to do is I'm going to teach you the very important noun, verb, and adjectives

of these words.

It's all fun and games to talk about blowjobs and rim jobs and felching, but the grammar

is important as well.

I would not like you to use these in a wrong sentence or use them wrongly in a sentence.

I can't even talk anymore.

Do you have a boner?

So the second part of the lesson is called "Sexy Grammar".

As I told you before, "fuck", "screw", "ram", "bang", "nail" -- is a verb.

So as an example, "I fucked Jennifer."

This, "fuck", is a verb.

So you're going to have your subject and then the verb and then the person that you fucked.

"James nailed me."

Again, "nailed" and "fucked" -- past tense -- is a verb.

"Give me a blow job."

Men would only say this.

Women, we'd say, "Eat me out."

"Blowjob" is a noun.

So you're going to use the verb "give me".

Gentlemen, it's a good idea to say "please" and smile, okay?

Ladies, if you want to tell your man or your woman what to do, you can say, as a command,

"Eat me out.

Eat me out."

This is a command.

In English grammar, we call it an imperative command or imperative sentence.

These are things like, "Stop!"

Or "Wait!"

Usually very short words.

"Eat me out" is a command.

This one, you might use if your friend has gotten out of jail recently or if your friend

and his boyfriend or girlfriend might have been doing something strange in their bedroom

last night, and you say, "Did you get fucked in the ass?"

Practice.

"Did you get fucked in the ass?"

Your friend might not tell you.

You might smell something, though.

Gentlemen, when you feel something in your pants moving around that's not a trouser snake,

you can say, "I've got a boner."

"Boner" is a noun."

So you could say, "I I've got a boner" or "I have a boner."

Or maybe you want to use the future tense.

"I'm going to get a boner" or "I will get a boner."

You can use past, present, or future with the word "boner" as well.

These two sentences, I've put into the past continuous.

Usually, we use past continuous when you're telling stories.

"He was jerking off."

"He was wanking."

Funnily enough, I have a story about this.

About three weeks ago, Ronnie was innocently walking down the street in Jamaica, man.

Hello.

And I happened to look over and see the beautiful ocean view of Montego Bay.

As my eyes scanned the beautiful view, I also saw a man in a group of trees.

And I thought, "That man is standing up.

That man -- that guy's having a wank!

What?

Hey!

Hey!

Look!

Dude, this guy is having a wank!

This guy is having a fucking wank in there!

This guy, "Welcome to Jamaica, man."

Oh, sorry, like, longer like this, yes, true.

"Welcome to Jamaica."

He didn't say this, but he was so happy, and he was waving, "Hi!"

Turns out this man's name is Victor.

So Victor from Montego Bay, thank you for letting everyone see you wank.

Now, I have a story to tell everyone.

I was walking down the street, and Victor was wanking.

Victor, you've got mental problems.

But hey, enjoy your life.

Not everyone wants to watch you wank, but you can do what you do.

If you have questions about the grammar of these or the vocabulary of this, or if you

need extra vocabulary, please write me a comment.

I will get back to you.

Bring it on back.

Bye-bye.

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