Somewhere between the awful Suicide Squad, and the excellent Wonder Woman, a new DC movie
will get it sorta down the middle, but when the best comic book characters EVER unite for a film that's just okay...
YOU BLEW IT. AGAIN.
How does this keep happening???
In the midst of a production beset by tragedy,
Warner Brothers bravely forged ahead so executives could keep their bonuses.
Mixing Zack Snyder's trademark gloom with the optimism of Joss Whedon,
and the priorities of Brett Ratner's production company.
"Oof, you're gorgeous"
that results in its own signature blend, of orange.
Lots and lots of orange.
Man, I wish they'd release the Snyder cut.
Also, man, I wish the Snyder cut wasn't a made-up fanboy pipe dream.
Witness a film that looks like it's being rendered right before your eyes,
where this CGI villain steals these CGI boxes from their CGI hiding places
Uniting these CGI heroes in a big CGI fight on a CGI
battlefield until this CGI hero merges with this CGI box while this CGI villain gets punched in the mouth
by the hero with a mouth made out of CGI.
That just looks... wrong.
Meet the Justice League: a bunch of sad losers
"I wanna be left alone"
- "If you stay up here brooding..." - "I'm processing"
"You know I wouldn't count on the tribes of men."
"I need... friends."
Who occasionally make jokes now.
There's Wonder Woman, the three-dimensional hero turned into girl hung up on her ex.
"I lost someone I loved"
"I once knew a man who would have loved to fly it"
"When it's your fault, they're all Steve Trevor."
Broseidon, King of the Brocean.
Cyborg, who's... there?
Spider-Man, who in this movie goes by The Flash.
Superman, eh, agh, uh
God, mouth is so distracting!
Poor Henry Cavill worked out for months for this role,
but all I can look at his weird fake baby mouth.
They really couldn't just shave his mustache? Or grow a beard?
Or, you know, delay the movie?
And of course the Batman.
He may not be that tough,
Or that smart.
"So your genius move is dying?"
Or that careful with his secret identity.
"Just like a Bat"
"You're outta your mind, Bruce Wayne!"
"You're The Batman?"
"That's the Bat-signal! That's your... oh shit, sorry. That's your signal"
But, wait, there's no but?
That's a shame. He was the best part of the last one.
Prepare for the arrival of Steppenwolf,
DC's scariest horn-helmeted minor God villain with the giant bladed weapon since the movie
right before this one. He's got a generic look, a generic motivation,
"He lived only to conquer"
And super generic dialogue.
"Find the last one!"
"Its power will cleanse this world"
"You're all too weak to (some generic villain talk)"
"I am, the end of worlds!!"
But no characters since Buster Bluth has ever been this much of a mother lover.
"I know, mother"
"Praise to the mother"
"I see, mother"
- "What the hell is that?" - "These are my awards, mother"
How was it possible they ripped off EVERYTHING from the Avengers EXCEPT the good villain?
Come on, Joss. It's not stealing if you do it from yourself.
After all the intricate plotting of Batman v Superman,
check out a sequel that says:
Whoops, never mind.
Pretending Batman knew Clark Kent for more than 15 minutes,
"Our team needs Clark"
"pretending the world didn't hate Superman before he died, "
"So much bitterness,
of course I think it's all because he's gone."
and pretending that bizarre Flash nightmare sequence never happened.
"TOO SOON, you have to find us!!!"
I mean, that was clearly meant for when this movie was gonna be a two-parter, right?
So where the Avengers felt like the end of the beginning for the MCU,
Experience DC's big team up movie that, just kind of feels like the end.
Where they emptied out their easter egg cupboard,
united all their biggest superheroes,
and tried everything they could to make it look like they still cared.
- "You know you can't do this forever." - "I can barely do it now."
It's a shame, too.
They were just starting to take some real steps toward heroism.
"Save one person."
Okay, baby steps.
"We might not have thought this through."
"I know, mother"
"Care for a glass of (insert beverage brand here)?"
Aquaman consumed by water,
Cyborg as a human in a letterman jacket,
the "I didn't think you were real" scene,
- "Didn't think you were real." - "I'm real when it's useful."
Cyborg fighting a tank and talking to a cop,
"You should probably move"
Flash fighting a parademon,
Cyborg is a human playing football,
the original blue color palette end sequence,
Bruce looking at holographic Superman,
Barry breaking glass,
Alfred talking to a mysterious visitor,
"You said you'd come."
and Lois and Clark discussing their engagement.
"I'll take that as a yes"
Why does everyone in this movie have super smelling?
"Fear, I could smell it."
"The demons must have caught the scent of the Mother Box"
"His scent is on you"
"You, could smell a story"
"Recognize that smell?"
"You smell good"
"Did I not before?"